Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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