I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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