When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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