You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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