You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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