remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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