Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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