he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
