Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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