I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize