he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
