K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
