just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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