took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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