She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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