Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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