im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
