My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I want her autograph on my taint
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
