I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
