Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
