I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
