I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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