really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
