if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
