Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
