he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
