I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
