just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
