how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
