Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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