I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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