Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
handjob tips. give me some.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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