bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
