Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
