someone threw a dead crab at me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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