So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize