Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
