I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
