Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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