Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
