you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
