I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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