this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
