and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
