Non-Jews are for practice
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
