you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
