i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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