Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
