She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
