; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
