Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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