The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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