its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize