Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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