How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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