What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
