i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
