I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
