Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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