I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
