anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
