I accidentally had phone sex last night
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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